Listening with understanding and empathy and working toward the satisfaction of mutual needs are noble, worthwhile endeavors and definitely preferable to hot tempers and knee jerk reactions. Cool heads really do prevail. However, effectively dealing with conflict means one must, in fact, actually DEAL WITH IT instead of avoiding it or arbitrarily using one’s power to try to solve it (most often with messy results). And who really looks forward to conflict and confrontation? In reality, many people aren’t comfortable being involved in conflict or even being in the presence of conflict and will do anything they can to avoid it.
Yet, the absence of conflict within an organization can sometimes mean it’s not functioning effectively, growing, changing, and adapting. An accurate barometer of health and stability is how conflicts and problems get resolved and what methods are used to resolve them. In an environment that appears devoid of conflict, it very well may mean that conflict is not even allowed to rear its head. On the other hand, an organization continuously hamstrung with conflict demonstrates that while it may certainly exist, the tools to effectively deal with it are absent.
A very wise counselor once told me that every time we have an angry, hurtful, or resentful thought and we don’t deal with it, it’s as if by our chair we have a crystal canister filled with marbles. And every time we don’t deal with an angry, hurtful, or resentful thought we remove the lid, withdraw a marble, and swallow it. Eventually, one of two things will inevitably happen: we will gradually become sicker and sicker or THEY’RE ALL GOING TO COME UP AT ONCE! That is a perfect description of what can happen within an organization that doesn’t acknowledge, allow, and effectively deal with conflict.
Not having the leadership, the skills, and the systems to deal with conflict can lead to a myriad of problems not the least of which is a buildup of resentment within a team. Resentment is a small-dose poison that can absolutely ruin a clear, deep well. Another price to pay for not dealing with conflict is the projection of negative emotions onto one’s family and friends. How many times have we experienced someone coming home from work and taking out their frustrations on the family or, at least, kicking their loyal dog? And last but not least a work environment can become poisoned with griping, backbiting, gossiping, and general discontent. Do any of those sound familiar? If so, it very well may be that a culture of conflict avoidance may have been allowed to sprout and flourish.
So, avoiding conflict can itself create many problems both professionally and personally. And it is a manager/leader’s responsibility to acquire the skills to nurture a healthy environment in which conflict can exist and to model the skills and train others in the ability to acknowledge conflict and effectively deal with it. Though disruptive and many times uncomfortable, conflicts inevitably occur in healthy human relationships. Instead of allowing them to produce tension, anxiety, and depression, an effective manager should deal with conflict in ways that meet the mutual needs of his company and team and become competent at utilizing win/win problem solving models.
Originally published in Beaumont Business Journal, Heat And Humanity Column
