Frequently and often multiple times in a single day we engage in negotiating in one form or another be it discussing where we join a friend for lunch or making a major purchase, and “working things out” with someone is just part of life as we know it. But it can be stressful and become a source of tension and conflict. When our needs and wants appear to be stymied or challenged by those of others we often resort to using only a couple of tools in our inventory: a hammer or a shovel, attacking with the former or retreating and digging a defensive hole with the latter. If we’ve had time in advance to plan for the event one of the smartest and most effective moves we can make is to have given careful consideration to the difference between our position and our interests as they are seldom one and the same. Our position could be, for instance, regardless of a company’s policy there is just no way we’re going to leave a store without having secured a refund in cash. That’s our position, and we’re sticking to it. We paid cash and a cash refund it’s going to be, foot down, arms crossed, end of story. And having planted our flag on hill Cash Refund we’re ready to go to war even if it means getting shown the exit door by a company “asset protection specialist”. It’s about that time in our thought process that we begin to consider other options which in effect are what’s referred to as our “interests” which my be, in fact, different than our position. And it’s when with a cool head we’ve thought about what could satisfy our underlying interests we have a much better chance at getting what we really want and need. It’s similar to the sagacious idiom: “He who lives by an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth will end up both blind and toothless”.
The most illuminating story I’ve ever heard contrasting the difference between one’s position and one’s interest is both dramatic and thought provoking albeit tragic. As teen boys are inclined to do a couple of good friends were enjoying a carefree Saturday cruising around alert for the opportunity to meet girls. The owner and driver of the fast sports coupe was well known, a member of the NHS, a gifted, all-state athlete and destined for a full ride baseball scholarship at a state university. Everyone agreed he would eventually play pro ball. His entertaining pal and best friend, however, was just kind of an average kid, worked an after-school job, wasn’t on the scholastic honor roll, and college plans weren’t in his future. He’d be working a trade like his dad before him and probably making payments on a used truck. As life’s cruel turn would have it while the young man driving was distracted for just a moment, a delivery truck backed into traffic giving him no time to recover before the crash that in the blink of an eye took both young lives.
Many months later the delivery truck company negotiated a seven figure settlement with the family of the young man who was driving and cut down before he could realize his superstar dreams. But because of the way these things often work the insurance company representing the truck company offered to settle with the other boy’s family for less money. After all, he wasn’t destined for college and, perhaps, a pro ballplayer’s salary and endorsement income. Upon learning of the lower settlement offer his grieving, blue-collar father firmly planted the family flag and resolutely refused to accept their offer. There was no way he’d accept a dime less, end of story, no negotiation. And who wouldn’t feel the same way? His position was clear and ironclad.
The family’s attorney eventually asked the question that assisted them in considering their interests apart from their justified, hard fixed position, “Apart from the money what would you want people to know or remember about your son?”. In response, the mother and father emphatically replied “we just want everyone to know our boy was just as dear to us and valuable as any other kid regardless who they are”. For the first time in the negotiation the thought about their interests apart from only their position. And they soon agreed to the insurance company’s offer for less money. But in addition to the settlement for less money, the insurance had company agreed to set up a fund which would perpetually establish a scholarship in the name of the family’s son. And every year going forward a deserving kid would be awarded college scholarship. Even if the demand of their initial position had been met and they had been handed a paper check equal to that of the other family’s, the victory of their position would have soon faded in comparison to the peace and satisfaction of having their true interest fulfilled.
Originally published in Beaumont Business Journal, Heat And Humanity Column
