Whether we remember the title of the hard rocking Led Zeppelin song or Strother Martin’s classic line in the movie, “Cool Hand Luke”, there is just no forgetting the phrase, “communication breakdown”. Even with the advent of the internet and especially with the limitations posed by a simple keyboard, communication between people not only continues to be a challenge, but some say we actually communicate less now than ever before due to our shorter attention spans and cleverly phrased, abbreviated responses. Since it’s always worthwhile to begin by defining our terms for our purposes here let the meaning of communication be: “understanding what someone means and how they feel about it”. Whether it be getting what we want or helping someone else get what they want effective communication is near the top of the skill set of success.
Sadly, effective communication though essential to professional success and personal fulfillment is hardly ever taught in either high school or college, and often when it is presented it’s only within the confines of a daylong seminar which is forgotten as soon as the training book is filed away on a full shelf of other training materials. We don’t get it and when we do “get it” we don’t internalize it meaning it neither becomes a part of who we are nor what we do without having to think about it. At the time we’re exposed to communication training most everyone recognizes its value and eagerly nods in affirmation, but just recognizing something is valuable and then honing it into a career enhancing tool can be the difference between wallowing in mediocrity and becoming exceptional.
The sources of communication breakdowns are many not the least of which is simply not caring. History is rife with former leaders who became unfocused and uncaring, choosing not to listen to sage advice and though they may have been honorable and well intentioned, nonetheless they still steamed full speed ahead toward life’s icebergs. A similar and equally disastrous breakdown of communication can be caused by sheer hubris. While wearing the blinders of over confidence and being so self-assured we don’t heed the directions of qualified navigators many a team leader has plunged headlong into a disastrous ditch. The late, General Douglas MacArthur comes to mind. He was one of history’s most brilliant and respected warriors, a man who during WWI led his men into battle by walking among them with only a riding crop in his hand. During that one attack nearly 5,000 young Americans fell to enemy fire around him, but they prevailed and won the battle under his leadership. For the rest of his life General MacArthur could never speak of that day without tears. Yet, by the time of the Korean War his pride and self-assurance had deafened him (and his entourage) to any and all information contrary to what they already believed. When hundreds of thousands of Communist Chinese troops poured across the Yalu River surprising and slaughtering thousands of unprepared American soldiers it was too late. MacArthur’s refusal to listening to early warnings about the Chinese preparations led to a humiliating bloodbath. Hubris alone can deafen us. Who among us doesn’t like to give advice and believe the advice we have to give has great value? Yet giving advice can itself become a communication roadblock. Regardless of our intentions and in spite of the value of the advice we may have to offer, the timing of it may be counterproductive and create a breakdown in communication. Perhaps an upset or distraught team member or friend even asks for our advice. It seems like since, after all, they did ask for our advice we should give them both barrels of all the well-intentioned wisdom we’ve acquired over our many years of life’s experiences (insert sarcasm emoji here). I mean, what better time could there be? They’re in a tight spot, they’re distressed, and in obvious need. The fact of the matter is the lines of communication between us couldn’t be more tenuous than in a situation such as this. In highly emotional states a distraught or upset person is ill equipped to heed any advice we offer be it good or bad. By not recognizing their emotional state we can steer a situation from bad to worse. I can’t count the number of times I’ve foolishly blurted out the phrases, “Well, in that case I think you should do this…” or “if I were in your shoes I’d…” or this onerous qualifier, “you can do what you want, but I’d….” And how many times have I been surprised and dismayed that not only did they not follow my good advice, they became even more upset or distressed! In spite of having asked for it, people in highly emotional states really don’t want our moralizing, preaching, or imploring. The communication they really want and need is a simple, “I heard what you meant and understand how you feel. I’m here for you and want to hear more about it.” There it is. In that moment that is what they want and need from us. Instead of communication breakdowns we can be bridge builders for our families and those with whom we work and manage.
Originally published in Beaumont Business Journal, Heat And Humanity Column
