For those interested in either establishing or honing their conflict management and communication skills I’ll suggest a few fundamental resources which have proven to be great foundations upon which to build. And regardless of where we find ourselves on this road of life getting along with others proves to be a repetitive and worthwhile challenge. Interpersonal interactions inevitably result in differences of opinion, tension, conflict and “friction” with friction being anything that impedes or negatively influences the path forward. Generally it’s referred to as “life”, and it happens. Since the self improvement resource well can be both deep and confusing, where are good places to beginning dipping our growth buckets?
First on my list comes from the program on negotiation at Harvard Law School. Written by authors William Ury, Richard Fisher, and Bruce Patton, “Getting To Yes” is just a goldmine of practical information on how to come to mutually acceptable agreements as an alternative to engaging in attrition warfare which often drains both our emotional and capital resources. This salient work is a cornerstone in the development of my training curricula for multiple companies and one to which I refer back on a regular basis. In addition to being a schoolbook on negotiating and managing conflict it’s just a great read. Just how foundational is it, you ask? Noted diplomat, John Kenneth Galbraith said, “This is by far the best thing I’ve ever read about negotiation. It is equally relevant for the individual who would like to keep his friends, his property, and income and the statesman who would like to keep the peace”. Regarding Galbraith there are many thing about which I disagree, but on this we stand shoulder to shoulder.
As a supplement to “Getting To Yes” I suggest William Ury’s brilliant, “Getting Past No: Negotiating With Difficult People”, and I have yet to discover a better “how-to” guide for mastering the basic skills necessary for success when facing interpersonal challenges. In fact, the thought patterns and speech phrases Ury teaches has assisted me in resolving countless disputes, many in which another party was emotionally flooded, angry, and unable to think rationally much less resolve a dispute with a win/win result. Although I’m wary of numbered-step solutions in a the market saturated with “X-Number Of Things To Do For Success”, once in a long while a great thinker pares down complex issues to unembellished, rudimentary essentials that work like a charm. “Getting Past No” is one of those instances. Although counter-intuitive Ury’s breakthrough strategy proposes these five steps: controlling one’s behavior or not reacting since it does, indeed, take two to tangle, disarming and helping your opponent regain their mental balance, changing the game from defending positions to considering both sides’ interests, helping your opponent to save face, thereby making it easy to say “yes”, and, finally, without creating an enemy using your power to bring about a fair result while making it hard for him to say “no”. Although it may sound like pie in the sky, wishful thinking at first glance Ury’s methods work amazingly well and unfold much like Disney’s early time lapse photography that enchanted me as a child. To this day I’m awestruck when I witness the miracle of an angry, defensive opponent settling down, regaining their ability to think rationally, and pondering mutually satisfying solutions that secure their core interests far better than their initial, written-in-stone positions. It’s fair to ask the question question, “how do I respond in a situation when I’m attacked, tricked, or stonewalled?”. My best answer is “read and apply the principles in these two books”.
Originally published in Beaumont Business Journal, Heat And Humanity Column
