Perhaps because educator, John Callahan. was my football coach at Beaumont High School in the 1960’s, I became a firm believer in mastering the fundamentals of any practiced skill. Apart from being exceptionally wise and having a wicked sense of humor, Coach Callahan drilled his players to the point where they didn’t have to think about their basic skills, thus enabling them to work on advanced, winning techniques. Working and consulting in the fields of conflict management and customer relations for the last twenty years has only reinforced my belief in continually reviewing and practicing the first, essential skills upon which we can build success. Nothing sturdy is built on shaky ground, but a firm foundation can support a lifetime of successes.
So, when dealing with upset, emotional, or angry clients or customers here are a few bedrock, fundamental skills and techniques to assist in the challenge of diffusing tense situations and, perhaps, turning them in your favor. True, not all conflicts and disputes can be resolved, but many can be minimized and managed to the point that an on-going, working relationship can be salvaged. Fact of the matter is, a conflict well managed can create a stronger relationship than had a conflict never arisen!
Job One is keeping a cool head and managing our own emotions. Allowing ourselves to get caught up in someone else’s drama is akin to accepting their invitation to join them in a fruitless, anger dance. It’s as if in their agitated, frustrated state they cast their drama lure in our direction, and we willingly take their bait. Now we’re hooked, and they began to play us like an angry marlin. Whether they did it intentionally like a savvy lawyer’s courtroom tactic doesn’t matter. What matters is that we’ve surrendered our ability to think clearly and strategically. We’ve simply handed them the win from the opening bell. They’re angry, and now we’ve allowed ourselves to become angry, truly a recipe for a lose/lose situation.
Suggestion 1: Refuse to lose emotional control. Know your hot buttons and quickly recognize when your body alerts you that you are responding emotionally. Begin to breathe deeply and slowly, open your fists, relax your shoulders and resist the urge to tense up in the “fight or fight” mode. Mentally repeat to yourself, “Oh, no you won’t! You won’t trick me into joining your drama dance! I got this, just watch how I can keep my cool. I’m driving this bus!”. Practice this until it just becomes what you do without having to think about it or having to go back and try to recover lost emotional ground. Remember the new-habit mantra: “Effort – Repetition, Effort – Repetition”. We have to make the effort to acquire new skills, and we have to practice them until we internalize them and they become a part of who we are, not just what we try to remember to do. Unconscious competence is our goal.
Suggestion 2: Resist the urge to reply too quickly. Most upset customers/clients/employees just want a full hearing of their grievances. Interrupting them is not only counterproductive but can throw gas on their drama fire. Another benefit of not speaking too quickly is it allows us to pay full attention to what they’re saying. Instead of tuning out and working on our rebuttal which we often blurt out impulsively, stay present and focused on what they’re saying. Doing so lets them know they have our full attention. It’s been my experience after having worked with hundreds of upset clients that when remaining quiet but attentive and allowing them to fully vent, an upset client ends up running out of steam and actually apologizing for having gotten so angry! And, better yet, they often restate the situation and make a point which I would have made in defense! I swear, it’s like magic. After having given them a full hearing and expressing neutral body language, I’ve often heard it go something like this: “Look, doc, I’m sorry to have gotten so worked up. It just that when I didn’t hear back from anyone I was worried my order hadn’t been filled. And y’all probably did leave a message, and I should have checked my messages when I got back in town Monday night. Working that message machine just gives me fits.” By simply being slow to “make my case” and, instead, giving them a full hearing they calmed down and became able to think through the situation rationally. Remember, when flushed with emotions we lose our ability to think clearly. It’s not that we don’t want to think clearly, we can’t think clearly. Remaining present, but quiet can give them the opportunity to regain their emotional balance. Regardless of our chosen professional field, we’re all in the people business. And inevitably we experience the “friction” generated in interpersonal relationships. It’s just an inescapable fact of life. Studying, acquiring, applying, and practicing people skills is not only essential to effectively dealing with conflict, those who master those skills have the best of both worlds: less stress and more success, definitely a win/win worth working toward.
Originally published in Beaumont Business Journal, Heat And Humanity Column
