America’s homespun philosopher, Will Rogers, once said, “never miss a good chance to shut up”, the English poet Thomas Carlyle wrote, “silence is golden”, and Dr. Jordan Peterson concisely counsels, “you can be pretty smart if you can just shut up”. The good book of James evens instructs, “be quick to listen, slow to speak…”, and lays it out with this stinger, “those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongue deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless”. The urge to blurt is a strong one. After all, who can resist the chance to speak especially when someone asks our advice or opinion? In this current age of megalomaniacal media it seems as if everyone is not only convinced they have something to say but are all saying it at the same time, a virtual bombastic blitz.
I recently learned a couple of valuable, new truths about becoming a better listener, truths that I’m certain if added to your own tool boxes will help hone your personal and professional skills. The first is one of those things so obvious it stared me in the face for years, and upon realizing it I smacked myself on the forehead in an “OF COURSE!” moment. I respectfully chalk this one up to Drs. Carl Rogers and Jordan Peterson. We should give people a chance to talk because they need to actually speak and hear their own thoughts. Until now all they’ve done is think about an issue instead of discussing it. When we talk we most likely haven’t thought something through, and while we talk about it we can revise and modify what we think. Then we revise, restate, rethink, revise, restate and repeat the process over and over. We are not only “thinking it through”, we are “talking it through”. So, as effective listeners, (remember, great leaders are not great “fixers”, but facilitate the process of others solving their problems) we need to give the speaker the consideration and time to continue to speak without being interrupted as they hear themselves think and sort through issues themselves. I’ll be the first to admit it’s difficult to remain present and quiet while someone talks and sorts through their own issues, especially when they pause and ask questions like “see what I mean?” or “am I making any sense?” when, in fact, they aren’t really wanting a response but are using the pause as an opportunity to think and revise what they just heard themselves say for the first time. We are actually serving another person well by letting them “talk it out” with themselves. And it’s far better to give someone the time to arrive at their own solution than to interrupt and impose our own. This process often proves to be a point of contention when men (simple fix) and women (thoughtful consideration) discusses a problem. Moments after hearing her state the problem men are quick to jump to the obvious (to the man) fix, while women take time to talk, think, and sort things out arriving at a solution by the contemplative route similar to verbally having read the map. And who needs a map, right, guys?
The second profound benefit of allowing someone to talk interrupted is we have the opportunity to learn and revise what we know. Our learning becomes possible when we can momentarily suspend our presuppositions and give our full attention to the speaker while suppressing the urge to quickly disagree and rebut. It’s at this point that restating for clarification can become another valuable tool as we ask the speaker to make more clear what we understood them to say. Often they reply with “No, that’s not what I meant. What I meant was…” thus providing us with more accurate information. That information may very well help us shore up our opposing position and strategies, but by cutting them off and not encouraging them to speak and clarify, we would have weakened our own position. In his book, “12 Rules For Life” Jordan Peterson quotes Carl Rogers, “The great majority of us cannot listen; we find ourselves compelled to evaluate, because listening is too dangerous. The first requirement is courage, and we do not always have it.” To listen is to risk being changed by what we have heard.
Originally published in Beaumont Business Journal, Heat And Humanity Column
