One of the most remarkable mentors I’ve had in my life was the late, Dr. Thomas Gordon, a man who promoted the skills of listening to levels never before seen in American culture. He was, indeed, the Godfather of Listening. Of course, listening was for decades (and still is) viewed by many with a jaundiced eye among leaders and managers since soldiers, workers, and peons did the listening while commanders commanded. Many people in positions of power saw listening skills as “soft” skills and “just another tool” which translated “I’m not comfortable listening and prefer to tell others what to do and think”. In fact, among other myths listening to someone with an opposing ideas was viewed as agreeing with them if one wasn’t interrupting and countering their arguments. After all, if I’m not talking I must not be in control, right? Reinforcing these myths was a belief that the leader/commander/manager best understood the plan or problem and was better equipped to tell underlings how they should feel and what they should do. People in charge yelled “CHARGE!” and everyone else zipped their lips and, well, CHARGED!
Yes, I’m exaggerating to make a point but probably not by much because I’ll bet you’ve experienced the kind of leadership that led by commanding and controlling. One of Tom Gordon’s most powerful concepts is listening can provide more effective command and control. Really? You mean I can lead better and win more often if I know how to effectively listen? To many that’s a radical concept. And since we are so heavily influenced by our culture and upbringing it’s difficult to adapt to such a radical concept. I can personal attest to how difficult it is to modify and shape my ingrained habits of feeling the need to talk. Without intentional practice and behavior modification it’s uncomfortable to stay quiet while someone else is talking (especially if they’re upset). For most of my life I associated talking with winning. Even in the sales game it seemed logical that talking meant controlling and influencing. In the arena of customer relations and conflict management tradition dictated that “winning over” an upset client or “making them understand” my position was best accomplished by jawing at them until they submitted. Doing so not only took a lot of energy, but it just didn’t work well. In fact, it was counterproductive and often undermined the whole process of conflict resolution. But I got my Pyrrhic point across! Enter Dr. Thomas Gordon.
From the teaching of Tom Gordon sprung a list of interaction responses that on the surface seem perfectly normal and appropriate but end up being counterproductive and perceived by the listener as something totally different than what we may have intended. Gordon called them “Roadblocks”. A glaring example of a communication roadblock is when someone complains that a team mate is making a lot of mistakes which makes everyone else have to work late, and we respond with “well, they’re under a lot of pressure these days”. That’s an example of “Lecturing and Giving Facts”. It doesn’t matter that it’s true and the mistake maker is stressed out. In this context it’s just an ineffective response to an upset employee. If we’re in a highly emotional state not only do we not want to be lectured and given facts, we’re unable to even process the facts. We just need to vent, be heard and understood, and “get it off our chest”. Only then can we process facts reasonable information. Another common Roadblock is “Judging and Criticizing”. A team member says, “That’s the last time I’m speaking up in a meeting because my ideas are never considered”, and the leader responds with “you should better develop your ideas before you propose them”. In that moment they don’t want to be judged or criticized only heard and understood. Another ineffective response in that same discussion would be for a leader to respond with, “you just keep fighting, tiger, and you’ll get through to them”. That’s an example of “Reassuring” which is no more than a verbal pat on the head, a big Roadblock if there ever was one. When upset and frustrated who feels better and reengages when their leader just gives them a patronizing pat on the head?
There very well may be a good time and place when lecturing and giving facts, judging and criticizing, and reassuring someone are appropriate and perfectly good responses. What determines if they are Roadblocks or effective responses is when we deliver them. When an employee, spouse, or customer is upset and in a high emotional state it is not the time to create communication Roadblocks. On the autobahn of communication we need smooth lanes not Roadblocks.
Originally published in Beaumont Business Journal, Heat And Humanity Column
