When it comes to interpersonal relationships, customer service, and conflict management the single most valuable skill we can develop is our ability to effectively listen. There is a difference been the ability to listen and the ability to effectively listen, and the difference is crucial. It’s been said that the definition of conversation in America is a competitive exercise in which the first person to take a breath becomes the loser. Funny, but how true! It’s easy to just “listen” but to effectively listen requires intention and skill. Remarkably, an effective listener can calm a gathering storm without having to do or say much of anything.
First, we must be “present”. A busy or distracted mind betrays itself when someone is needing our full attention, and you can bet your bottom dollar they can detect it like a blinking neon sign. That’s why it’s important to determine if it’s the right time and place to allow someone to air their complaint. If it’s not, just stop the process, be sincere, and tell the other party that it’s important that you give them your full attention and determine a time to meet again. If you really want to throw gas on the proverbial fire, try saying it just as a means to avoid or postpone having to deal with their problem and say it insincerely. If they weren’t hot under the collar before, their collar will become absolutely scorched. Without being manipulative, you need to be driving this solution bus and like a harbor tug boat you need to be gently but with dogged determination nudging the situation to a mutually satisfactory solution.
If the time is right, assume a neutral posture without crossed arms, clenched fists or hand crossed behind your head. Don’t lean too far back or too closely into their space, relax your facial features and avoid too much direct eye contact. In other words, assume the physical presence of a non-threatening, trusted counselor. The fact of the matter is, most people want to accomplish one simple thing when they come to us with a problem: they want to know they have been heard and understood. If they are emotionally charged with fear, anger, or worry regardless of what they say, they most often don’t want a quick, easy solution. They just want to know someone has heard and understood them. I can’t emphasize that enough. It is the key to the communication highway.
Second, we must avoid the urge to interrupt. Regardless of how smart or capable we are or how clearly we see the perfect solution, by not allowing someone to fully express themselves we diminish the chances for a long term solution. Another detrimental effect is we become the Fixer King, and rather than teach and empower others to solve their own problems they become dependent on us to fix their problems for them. That’s not leadership. Our office becomes Grand Central Solution.
If we shouldn’t interrupt, then what should we be doing? We can’t just sit there with a blank look on our faces and avoid interacting at all. The tools we use to effectively listen are called “attending behaviors”. That means we do and say things that communicate to the other party that they have our attention and we are listening for the purpose of understanding. In short, effective listening means we have heard the other person, understood what they said and how they feel about it. Attending behaviors can including nodding our head slightly, opening our eyes wider, and responding vocally with phrases such as, “Oh, I see” or “Tell me more about that part”, “Is that right?”. Fundamentally it is the art of conversation, and at this juncture in the problem solving process effective listening means becoming an empathetic listener who is present, hears, understands, and, equally important, wants the other person to continue and fully vent. The effect on an upset employee or customer is almost magic. After years of dealing with confrontational clients it’s been my experience that once they know they’ve been fully heard and understood, the fire die down, the wind becomes calm, and often they begin to apologize for having become so upset. And, lo and behold, all I had to do was listen and listen effectively.
Originally published in Beaumont Business Journal, Heat And Humanity Column
